Feedback Thoughts
WHY REJECTION HURTS SO MUCH AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT?
This article by 'Guy Winch', a licensed psychologist, author and keynote speaker is positively informative and searingly honest. As a practicing psychologist, he offers insights and solutions to the age-old dilemma of the self-destructive nature of our reactions to the problem of rejection. You can see his TED Talk, "Why We All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid," here, and has been viewed more than five million times. He also writes the popular Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com.
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We all suffer different forms of rejection in our life, whether it is being fired from our job, being dumped by our partner or ignored by people we thought were friends. The feelings we feel as result of this rejection can cause intense suffering. These feelings of self-disgust undermine our self confidence as we tend to blame ourselves for these rejections. This unhealthy self-scrutiny goes beyond a logical self-awareness and a grounded acknowledgement of the actual situation.
This article by 'Guy Winch', a licensed psychologist, author and keynote speaker is positively informative and searingly honest. As a practicing psychologist, he offers insights and solutions to the age-old dilemma of the self-destructive nature of our reactions to the problem of rejection. You can see his TED Talk, "Why We All Need to Practice Emotional First Aid," here, and has been viewed more than five million times. He also writes the popular Squeaky Wheel blog for PsychologyToday.com.
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| Accepting that rejection is a normal part of life and that it enables you to learn from your mistakes. |
We all suffer different forms of rejection in our life, whether it is being fired from our job, being dumped by our partner or ignored by people we thought were friends. The feelings we feel as result of this rejection can cause intense suffering. These feelings of self-disgust undermine our self confidence as we tend to blame ourselves for these rejections. This unhealthy self-scrutiny goes beyond a logical self-awareness and a grounded acknowledgement of the actual situation.
The author asks 'Why?' do we react so badly to rejection and he offers an unusual answer. Apparently our brains are 'wired' to react this way. Scientists have studied MRI's of people who have suffered various forms of rejection and discovered that the part of the brain that responds to pain also becomes active for these people. They deduct that when we feel emotional rejection, our brains perceive this as actual pain, so the when we say 'We are heartbroken' it's quite true!
Helpfully, the author offer us solutions to help us deal with this pain in a less destructive and realistic way! 'Have Zero Tolerance for Self-Criticism', he suggests and I have to agree. As it might be natural to list off all your faults in the aftermath of a rejection and blame your self for went 'wrong', he says we must not do this at all costs. By all means we should review what happened our part and the perhaps the other person involved, we should realize that there are two sides to every story. We should accept our own shortcomings and recognize these and move on. Great advise that is perhaps hard to follow during the emotional turmoil of a break up but helpful if we come across it, friends and family take note!
Next the author suggests we need to 'Revive our Self-Worth', and we can do this by reminding ourselves that we are loved and people do value us. As rejection tends to leave us unsettled with feelings of isolation, the best we can do is turn to the people who have always loved us and valued us. Turn to a friend, a parent or grand-parent and their natural concern for us will help to rebuild our self-confidence and our voice can bring joy to their lives. In my opinion, I think the authors ideas coincide with the ideals of John Dryden, a venerable poet, who once said "No man is an island". We are not alone and as sociable beings we need the love and acceptance of others to feel whole. Hence, why rejection hurts so much, you might say, but we can limit the psychological damage that is partly self-inflicted by not blaming ourselves and reaching out to others.
So next time you suffer rejection, you are not alone! At least, tune in to Guy Winch and get some help!
- Now for something not completely unrelated :
Perhaps after reading the article above, one might consider that herein lies another solution to the devastating feelings that consumes one after yet another rejection! Many an artist has had to suffer for great art!
Mistakes, we all make them, but instead of drowning in despair and self-loathing, we should make great art! This is the revolutionary idea espoused in this succinct article that reviews a wonderful book by 'Neil Gaimen'. Mistakes are natural, but we must recognize that every mistake is an opportunity to learn and astonish! Jokingly, the author suggests that when our partner is having an affair, we should make great art, when our legs are eaten by a mutated boa constrictor, make great art, when our cat explodes, yes you've guessed it, make great art!
All jokes aside, this review of a wonderful book that is based on a speech that the author made and beautifully designed by the great graphic artist 'Chip Kidd', offers a different solution to the angst we feel when the 'shit hits the fan' and everyone is looking disparagingly at us. At the very least, by making great art, we can come back from oblivion and be lauded all the more for it. Who does not cheer for the celebrity who admits their failures in great outpourings and is subsequently welcomed back into the fold! However, I am being a bit cynical here, as 'Neil Gaimen' wants us to do something more worthy; that is learn from our mistakes and unusually advises us to keep making mistakes, so that we learn from said mistakes and eventually get it right, in art as in life, I say!
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| Why is feedback important? |
The most productive feedback experiences that I can remember having as a student was when my lecturer called me up and spoke to me about how my progress on the main assignment for semester two was going. We went through what I had submitted so far and how I could improve upon it. I was given detailed feedback that enabled me to better understand what exactly was required for the assignment and what was needed to be done to do well in the next stage of submission. I found it very helpful to speak about what I did well and what I needed to improve on to achieve a good grade. The negative feedback experience that I have had was when I was given very vague feedback on a lab upload that I know I did completely wrong because I was under pressure to submit it on time. I know what I submitted was of poor quality and not what was asked but yet I received positive, vague feedback? I'm unsure why it was positive because what I did was wrong and not well done and I didn't get good quality feedback that helped me in any way.
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